My Dearest Dadu: Day 4: Sep 06, 2021

 Okay! I missed two days. Sorry sorry! 
Maybe weekends can be a break? :)

I was telling Soumitra about my Dadu (grandfather) and how much I missed him. My father's dad, and the only grandparent I remember. Oh, he was so progressive from what I remember. Atleast with us kids, don't know about the daughters vs daughter's-in-laws. He used to work at the Excise Department of West Bengal, and all of the glasses in their house were courtesy his job. He was a simple and plain man. I really loved him a lot. As the youngest grandkid, I always was someone he indulged in for and loved to get me things I demanded. Of course, it wasn't easy. I was quite annoying and demanding.

But, I really loved him and miss him so much. After so many years I suddenly remembered him and wonder what he must have felt/thought about us. My parents were very respectful towards him (a lot more than I am to them + in-laws). The house they lived in was small and messy. But something about it made me feel so comforted and welcome. The unorganised kitchen, the random bathroom, the strange smell, all of it makes me so nostalgic, even today. My dadu had his lovely table and chair, which was one of his signature things that I loved. He also put up pictures of the whole family in the living room and that was so heartwarming. He never really shared his pain (obviously not with kids), but there was something about him that I feel moulded my dad and made him who he is. Like discussing important family matters with the family! Or gifting everyone things for festivals or when he met us. Simple things that I think a lot of people seem to miss out on nowadays.

At times I have deep regret- of my choices and where life has brought me. I don't know if I am being punished or it's a test. It just feels really sad. Whatever be the case, for now, I will stay with my Dadu in my thoughts and remember my fond times with him and hope that someday I can have the pleasure of being able to relive some of those moments with my parents (very unlikely).

Aging: Day 3: Sep 03, 2021

 Call me self-obsessed, but can't help pen this down.

I took pride that I looked fresh and energetic and it typically reflected on my face. Today, I looked at my pictures and felt really sad. I've begun to look old. All the stress and sadness is showing. It's painful, because I did take pride in this earlier but now it's slipping away. 

I think I'm exhausted and troubled. There so much chaos that's on the inside and on the inside.
I dream of the day when I feel, calm, collected, and energetic again. Of course aging is only natural and I need to accept but I want to do it gracefully.

Showdowns : Day 2: Sep 02, 2021

I'm a huge fan of showdowns. They are like the relief one feels once they have used the washroom after a long road trip!

While uncomfortable, uneasy and at times, painful, showdowns clear the air very well. I feel they are needed every now and then, for that one person to just let it out. I've witnessed many showdowns- some intense, some not so intense, some that lead to change, and some that let things remain the same.

Last night's showdown was good. I felt good. Sounds mean, but at least there was some acknowledgment, communication, and the beginning of the burst of the bubble. Of course it was the kind that led to nothing, but there's hope. More showdowns or more communication- anything would be much appreciated!

Nowadays I just want things to be out in the open. Multiple showdowns will help. At least things will be out. Like my most fav mentor says, over-communication is always better than no communication. In this complex setup that I'm currently in, showdowns are feared, ignored, and brushed under the carpet too. If there is no communication, of course, showdowns will be considered this way. I really hope that someday whenever they happen, they become normal and everyone feels okay to communicate.

6 Years Later...Enjoying the silence: Day 1 , Sep 01, 2021

Gosh, 6 years, and this blog is still alive! Woah!
I'm amazed!


As I accepted Rhea's suggestion to begin this challenge, I knew a part of me didn't want to do it, but a part of me really wanted it too. Maybe this will bring about some much-needed positivity and a shift in my thinking. Sigh.

I am feeling empty and hollow, like I have gotten used to things. I miss my old carefree and energetic self, but I also acknowledge that this is life. This is bound to happen. I am scared, sad, angry, irritable but I am letting it flow. I don't think there's another choice. Trying to make the most of it, is what I need to tell myself. What's giving me a lot of joy is getting things done at home, keeping it easy, focus on what I can do.

I want to thank all the people who are there for me- from the Didi who is my lifesaver-well wisher and partner in crime, folks at work, friends, and all those who keep me in their thoughts. Thank you. While I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. I am honestly enjoying the silence. When there is so much going on the outside, there is definitely a need to quiet down on the inside. I realised that the anger and the pain has turned into silence. I crave it, and I love it. I yearn for it. Part of me is indifferent but I like that. I feel its an important quality to have, so that things get balanced. It is, in some way giving up, but it's also a form of acceptance.

I know that the silence may turn into joy someday, but for now, I want to enjoy all the silence I can get, in whatever way possible.

A Gentle Reminder

Blog: My my, it's been a while since we saw you here.
Me: * eeeeepssss * Sorry?! You know, life and all that.
Blog: It's okie, welcome back. * Hugs*

I'm welcoming myself back to the blog. Feels great to be back to some writing, some blogging and lots of thinking!

Turning a year older last month, made me wonder about oh-so-much in life and it's beauty. It made me appreciate a lot of things, take account and ponder upon priorities, choices, decisions and fate.

This post is a gentle reminder that I need to write more, do and make more and live more.


Blog: Don't run away, you!
Me: Seeeeee you soooon!

How Many Fingers?

My cousin P, once told me that one should have as many good friends as the number of fingers on your hands. For the longest time I laughed over that statement, convincing myself that one day I would have a huge gang of friends and life would be all rosy and a fun road trip (as depicted in trashy Bollywood movies and over-the-top Hollywood chick flicks). I yearned for that so much and to my surprise, in the 25 years of my life, that didn't happen and well I couldn't be happier.

Over the years, I've made some wonderful friends, some who've stayed and some who've drifted apart. A lot of this has got to do with the fact that I've moved a lot and my friends circle was ever changing. But it's a nice, warm fuzzy feeling when you see friends from 'way back then' to still have been in touch. I think if I had to sit and write down the names of friends I've had in the years gone by, I may actually be able to so (accompanied by a long ream of paper).

It's comforting when you know you have friends and you also to know who are your friends. It's nice to go through the process of making new friends, getting to know them better and then knowing whether they really are your friends or not. Friendship is tricky yet simple. It can make or break everything. But it's equally difficult to let go of friends and/or friendship. Deep down inside I still feel really bad when I think of people who I thought were friends but it didn't work out. That hits really hard! Maybe its a phase-of-life thing. It's equally difficult to start making new friends...something I think we have to do all our lives, but guess it has to be done.

Having said that, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have less friends and more fingers, but that certainly works! I'm ever so grateful to the wonderful ones I have now, I've had in the past and those that I will have in the future...looking forward to seeing you.

Cheers!

Someone else mentioned that same belief as cousin P...looks like it works for everyone!

Courage Is

For a long time, I've been asking myself if I were courageous and what it meant to be so. After a lot of introspection I was able to answer myself. At the risk of sounding very preachy...

Courage is playing that tune associated with the wildest of memories. It is facing the dark, when there is enough light around. It is to looking deep within and still be able to look beyond. Courage is in being hopeful and in hoping, it is in enjoying the burnt dinner, in being honest. Courage is wanting to not wanting, in making things matter, in accepting, in laughing, and in admiring. Courage is being yourself.